Can you help me find it?!
Since I’ve moved to Amsterdam, I feel like I’ve lost my personality. Amsterdam is where I work and live, but it is not my home yet. My friends are in Rotterdam and I miss them. They are who I know and who know the real me.
I’m having a hard time opening up my personality to people here and I feel like my spark is dying. I’m quiet and have nothing smart to say anymore. The cheekiness and spunk is gone. Whenever I go to Rotterdam, I have to work hard to be a pleasure to be around.
Can’t write anything without it being boring. Feel so dull, I’m alive but not living! Where did my personality go? I need to get it back!!! I feel like a zombie scratching and crawling for some creative brain matter. My quest in finding myself has started.
What did I used to do that kept me happy and inspired?
Traveling; being free; doing whatever I wanted; crazy things with friends;
- go out in the middle of the night to pluck flowers from public parks to decorate the house;
- sleep on a baby mattress extended with pillows because there was no money for a proper mattress;
- eat tuna salad for breakfast and come home to find the cat chewing the container;
- go traveling to other countries just to go shopping and not really care about the historic part;
- watching all the seasons of a sitcom in one weekend eating take out and laying on the couch and only taking a break to shower and get cigarettes;
- playing the Sims two days and nights and sleep for 3 hours and keep on mass producing kids from one character;
- baking cakes and cookies and not eat them, so had to ring all my neighbors to come eat it for me;
- taking the train to random cities to take pictures;
- going to parties that start at 6pm and be overly drunk by 11 that we don’t know how to contain ourselves;
- cook chicken for a spoiled dog we adopted because he won’t eat regular dog food and then getting attacked by him because he didn’t want to get off the bed;
- jumping on the back of a bike anytime of the day and ride off to nowhere to do nothing;
and laughing about everything in life that went wrong…
I miss those times. You might say that I’m grown up now and I have to be mature and focus on work and a good household, but it’s just killing my joy. Have to keep exploring the world, I’m not ready to be old AND boring! Guess I’ll have to go back to that time when we did crazy things. I’m sure there is a middle way to go in balancing being mature and doing crazy stuff.
Will do my best to get to go back to the place I was when I lived in Rotterdam, but now in Amsterdam. Maybe I can convince my friends to move to Amsterdam, so we can do crazy stuff here. I just need people to accept me like I am with my big mouth, random comments and my crazy and unstable personality. I just hate to be this boring and dull (conventional)!